It was a fast paced broken affair
At best it made me stronger than I ever knew I could be, he gave me a belief in myself and a spiritual awakening I never thought I would have, for a time we were in the same place, and the touch, the kiss alone was euphoric.
At worst we were emotionally destructive, driven by drug and alcohol induced manic desire, he reduced me to a shell of numb anxiety, a new kind of low.
But above all it was real and honest and I want to share these words, not because I'm nostalgic for what I once knew, but as a celebration. Reading these today, I feel no sadness, but happiness for knowing that our souls mingled and if I never find that again, thats okay.
L: I wanted you to know that the memory of you and your rain drops machine brought me the smile I needed in the early hours of this morning after a gruelling 8 hour sleepless journey on ritalin and red wine, many more happy thoughts of you followed.
I also wanted to apologise for my brash reply to you last week, I was drunk, tired and full of London cynicism and greed, I am truly touched I've inspired you to write so many songs and cannot wait to here them, now I'm not very good at opening my heart, but for some reason I trust you not to stamp all over it, it's been a very long time, so take that as a compliment, anyway I digress.. My love, I'm so so looking forward to spending as much (naked) time with you as possible in May.
There I said it..
Hope alls well darlin!
M: I detected no cynicism at all. You told me yourself you were honest and I believe you. Its hard enough to tell whats real in this world. Let alone if you cant see or feel or say what is truly so for a soul. I respect that quality and it is essential in any one I call a friend or my lover.
Walked by our special railroad love nest among the broken bottles and Texas steel. Walked by this morning still awake from a 24 hour mushroom and everything else you can imagine bender. It made me smile.
If its at all possible I would love to go and perform some kind of pagan ritual with you. You know, something really sexy involving blood or something. You know, something romantic. We can have a picnic too. Very much looking forward to seeing you. The days are marching on at a furious rate. Should be no time at all. May all your works be blessed and all windows and doors be opened. Lots of love my dearest.
M: Lover!
I cant wait. Your on my mind and my hearts beating fast. Hopefully you didnt do something silly and get a boyfriend. Only a few days right? You will be at ATP right? I sure hope so. I want your lips on mine. Sorry but something about Paris makes my blood boil and your haunting my thoughts. I hope all is well. All of my love...
M: Had a lovely time with you. Looking forward to our next meeting after tomorrow. I lose my breath when I think of our time together.
L: My head is heavy with dangerous thoughts after the weekends wickedness, I don't belong at this desk, I have no care for these people and their problems.
I get into Manchester at 2.45 on Wednesday and leave at 2 the next day and so goodbye until who knows when, dark days lay in front of me, but I am prepared, I smell you on my skin and feel you inside me and it ignites this fierce desire to make everyone fall at my feet, you have made me so strong my love.
M: Baby. Thinking of you makes my heart beat fast and makes me want to bite something. I love you and will see you very soon.
I dont know about hotel room. My intentions to save per diems have not been successful as of yet. Never know maybe it will work out that I will get my own room that night. Either way we are not sleeping that night. Need to send me off loved up, exhausted and heart sick. Miss you lovely
L: I am sad, I am consoling myself under my duvet with jaffa cakes. I've been thrown off the bus onto the unknown highway, I found a love I've never known before and now I am at a loss as to what to do with it?
Yesterday I cried for the first time in a long time, but they were mainly happy tears, thank you for unlocking my heart my friend, you may keep the key.
Somehow, somewhere I shall see you soon my love, thank you, keep well and keep happy.I love you.
M: I dont even know how to reply to such poetry.
I had the most dreamy and wonderful time with you that is sure to haunt me at all hours especially those quiet and late ones. The forest, the beach, sweet love tortured sunrises, stone circles, and sweat soaked love ins with no sleep.
M: Hey darling
Been thinking about you. You are an amazing photographer. Your photos are all so ALIVE. you got the goods girl.
Im sorry I'm such a wild flake but I need your dog-gone email again. Ive been losing everything this trip. My mind is still there but barely.
I miss you. We need to catch up. Its easy with my life to just let large amounts of time pass by and it seems like no time at all. Thats probably why Im like a dead man to my friends. Im gone and they all move on quite easily. The trade I guess is loneliness for what I love. Ill take it and try not to complain about it. When you send me email again ( so sorry ) Ill write you a proper letter with the good bits and the bad bits from the past couple months. Its been quite a trip when I think about it. I hope all is well with you and yours in every way. I love you. Ill talk to you soon. What i wouldn't give for a kiss
L: Baby, it's midnight, I'm sat in a trailer at my uncles with a bottle of wine, listening to Dylan, theres a sexy summer storm going on, thunder, lightening, the works, so exciting, you should be here with me, running about like two mad little twisters!
How was New Orleans? How's that good news coming on? We do need to catch up! Old thoughts of you are haunting me to the point of madness now, but keeping myself busy making plans I should have made years ago.
All my love my love.
M: So tonight after practice Im gonna sit down with a glass of wine and a joint and maybe even light a candle and put my thoughts down. Ive been thinking about you a lot lately.
Ill write you tonight.
M: Was talking to some guy I had never met before at the yucca inn and he said he had met an english girl and he said. "Yeah you really broke her heart" was strange hearing it from someone I had never met. Forgive me for using my words in reckless ways. I had no intention of ever hurting you. Only sharing violent passionate and beautiful moments with you. But maybe there is no way to avoid hurt in those moments. perhaps its inevitable if one chooses to go there. regardless I will be more careful with what I say from this point on. I wish all the best for you. On your travels and in your endeavors. Be safe and have fun.
Talk to you soon
L: There will be happy memories of this strange adventure of course,
but you need to understand the hurt doesn't lie with the memory of loving words, violent passion and amazing things we've shared, I hope you don't truly believe that pain inevitably follows.
Hurt came with the recent occasional cold words and actions, in walking away or lying next to me as if you didn't know me.
We are all complexed creatures, I think I have some understanding of whats going on with you and why, maybe more idea than you do, probably not, but I cannot comprehend how you can switch like that when you've said you care for someone as a friend or lover,
no matter what kinda social freak out you're having, you're too old and clever for that shit, as capable as I am of looking after myself, I really didn't appreciate being made to feel like you couldn't stand being anywhere near me two days after being naked with you.
I was wrong to say I had no expectation, I am an eternal optimist, a dreamer, permanently driven by the simple things that make me happy,
But trust me when I say my only expectation was to enjoy the short time are paths were crossed at full volume, with all the passion and affection I admittedly only feel for you at this time, also remember that I told you when we met I have lovers not boyfriends, a good balance of independence, freedom and coming together with someone you're deeply attracted to at any given opportunity, to share a pure kind of non possessive closeness that is often lost in a monogamous relationship.
When it works, it's amazing and in my opinion the purest kind of love, an inspiring situation for any creative soul. Tell me if I'm wrong, I think at times you agree and want the same too, but it takes two with the same driven desire to make it work properly and you're not in that place anymore, it seems your conscience and priorities lie elsewhere, I understand and accept that.
A few things you should remember about me, I rarely let words without true feeling pass my lips, that especially applies to sincerity in love, love and flippancy do not mix in my world, I treat others as I'd like to be treated. I am also as you know honest and wear my heart on my sleeve and occasionally talk to strangers in the dark about my broken bits....
L: Hey sweet, hope you made it back okay and that diaze helped make the long journey a little more painless?
It's torturous thinking what could have been these next few days, a sexy Winter solstice at The Stones, hot tubs, forest walks with white dog, red wine, red meat and seeing how long we could stay naked and awake for...then Christmas day 35,000 feet above the Earth, heavily medicated on love and pills, jetting away to our next adventures, perhaps too perfect an ending to a year already competing as probably the best of my life so far. A thousand good memories of you that will never leave me, Thursday especially meant the world, so thank you lover. All I ask is that you don't forget the words we whispered and love shared, mine has always been true.
All my heart
M: I am recovering from over 24 hours of drunkenness over the new year. Ouch.
I was stranded over night in houston on the way back. Then .... picked me up and we went pretty much straight away up to the family... It was a nice way to come down but not nearly so nice as your beautiful and poetic description of our country hideaway. My god that sounds sexy. Anyways there was lots of eating and sleeping. It was 10 below zero, and we're talking Fahrenheit, the night we arrived. Hibernation with the occasional smuggled e pill mixed in for variety (thank you very much).
Our last night was so nice. I won't forget the words or touches or experiences that we've had. I've meant it all. How is your journey going?
I think of you often and I hope wherever you are and whatever your doing that all is well and filled with inspiration. Lots of love, darling
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