COLLAPSE

It wasn't meant to be this way...

Not again...

Not now....
Not never....

I can't recover from this from you again.

Eternal collapse.

I need a friend not a Fan.

I'm still the same person so please.
Please don't put me on a pedastal I don't deserve to be on,
it makes me feel dissapointed in your judge of character
and insults my memory of what once was.
And is.

Hey, You Gotta Pay Your Dues Before You Pay the Rent

Q: When will I be able to live my dream?
A: When the bills are paid.




I feel that I have been seventeen years old forever, but that was so long ago. Even at times when I should be a bit more grown up, in certain financial situations and work related drama, my mind still wanders and I am daydreaming. When I am down to my last bit of coin, it just means I spend my days walking instead of taking public transit (which I prefer anyway.)

I'm not immature, I just expect better things are going to come. I do admit though, it's probably not always a good thing to be endlessly optimistic- In thoughts such as, "Oh, it doesn't matter that I'm spending all of my money on this ridiculously overpriced coffee, I'm sure I'll get a job within the next week!" When in reality that is less than likely. I know that I've been trying though. That mindset is probably why I look on the bright side rather than head towards a mental breakdown.

Still, I can't help but wonder what my future could hold. When will I have my lucky break? Whether it be working in something I love, or just being able to afford a nicer place to live. Being able to call my Mum with news she would be proud of.

This is what most people who think "realistically" would call a pipe dream. It's better to find something that pays the bills than to be happy. I'll be wandering along until I find a decent balance of the two.

Where In What Heavenly Cemetry Do The Words Of Lovers Rest When Their Love Is Dead?

It was a fast paced broken affair
At best it made me stronger than I ever knew I could be, he gave me a belief in myself and a spiritual awakening I never thought I would have, for a time we were in the same place, and the touch, the kiss alone was euphoric.

At worst we were emotionally destructive, driven by drug and alcohol induced manic desire, he reduced me to a shell of numb anxiety, a new kind of low.

But above all it was real and honest and I want to share these words, not because I'm nostalgic for what I once knew, but as a celebration. Reading these today, I feel no sadness, but happiness for knowing that our souls mingled and if I never find that again, thats okay.

L: I wanted you to know that the memory of you and your rain drops machine brought me the smile I needed in the early hours of this morning after a gruelling 8 hour sleepless journey on ritalin and red wine, many more happy thoughts of you followed.
I also wanted to apologise for my brash reply to you last week, I was drunk, tired and full of London cynicism and greed, I am truly touched I've inspired you to write so many songs and cannot wait to here them, now I'm not very good at opening my heart, but for some reason I trust you not to stamp all over it, it's been a very long time, so take that as a compliment, anyway I digress.. My love, I'm so so looking forward to spending as much (naked) time with you as possible in May.
There I said it..
Hope alls well darlin!

M: I detected no cynicism at all. You told me yourself you were honest and I believe you. Its hard enough to tell whats real in this world. Let alone if you cant see or feel or say what is truly so for a soul. I respect that quality and it is essential in any one I call a friend or my lover.
Walked by our special railroad love nest among the broken bottles and Texas steel. Walked by this morning still awake from a 24 hour mushroom and everything else you can imagine bender. It made me smile.
If its at all possible I would love to go and perform some kind of pagan ritual with you. You know, something really sexy involving blood or something. You know, something romantic. We can have a picnic too. Very much looking forward to seeing you. The days are marching on at a furious rate. Should be no time at all. May all your works be blessed and all windows and doors be opened. Lots of love my dearest.

M: Lover!
I cant wait. Your on my mind and my hearts beating fast. Hopefully you didnt do something silly and get a boyfriend. Only a few days right? You will be at ATP right? I sure hope so. I want your lips on mine. Sorry but something about Paris makes my blood boil and your haunting my thoughts. I hope all is well. All of my love...

M: Had a lovely time with you. Looking forward to our next meeting after tomorrow. I lose my breath when I think of our time together.

L: My head is heavy with dangerous thoughts after the weekends wickedness, I don't belong at this desk, I have no care for these people and their problems.
I get into Manchester at 2.45 on Wednesday and leave at 2 the next day and so goodbye until who knows when, dark days lay in front of me, but I am prepared, I smell you on my skin and feel you inside me and it ignites this fierce desire to make everyone fall at my feet, you have made me so strong my love.

M: Baby. Thinking of you makes my heart beat fast and makes me want to bite something. I love you and will see you very soon.
I dont know about hotel room. My intentions to save per diems have not been successful as of yet. Never know maybe it will work out that I will get my own room that night. Either way we are not sleeping that night. Need to send me off loved up, exhausted and heart sick. Miss you lovely

L: I am sad, I am consoling myself under my duvet with jaffa cakes. I've been thrown off the bus onto the unknown highway, I found a love I've never known before and now I am at a loss as to what to do with it?
Yesterday I cried for the first time in a long time, but they were mainly happy tears, thank you for unlocking my heart my friend, you may keep the key.

Somehow, somewhere I shall see you soon my love, thank you, keep well and keep happy.I love you.

M: I dont even know how to reply to such poetry.
I had the most dreamy and wonderful time with you that is sure to haunt me at all hours especially those quiet and late ones. The forest, the beach, sweet love tortured sunrises, stone circles, and sweat soaked love ins with no sleep.

M: Hey darling
Been thinking about you. You are an amazing photographer. Your photos are all so ALIVE. you got the goods girl.
Im sorry I'm such a wild flake but I need your dog-gone email again. Ive been losing everything this trip. My mind is still there but barely.
I miss you. We need to catch up. Its easy with my life to just let large amounts of time pass by and it seems like no time at all. Thats probably why Im like a dead man to my friends. Im gone and they all move on quite easily. The trade I guess is loneliness for what I love. Ill take it and try not to complain about it. When you send me email again ( so sorry ) Ill write you a proper letter with the good bits and the bad bits from the past couple months. Its been quite a trip when I think about it. I hope all is well with you and yours in every way. I love you. Ill talk to you soon. What i wouldn't give for a kiss

L: Baby, it's midnight, I'm sat in a trailer at my uncles with a bottle of wine, listening to Dylan, theres a sexy summer storm going on, thunder, lightening, the works, so exciting, you should be here with me, running about like two mad little twisters!
How was New Orleans? How's that good news coming on? We do need to catch up! Old thoughts of you are haunting me to the point of madness now, but keeping myself busy making plans I should have made years ago.
All my love my love.

M: So tonight after practice Im gonna sit down with a glass of wine and a joint and maybe even light a candle and put my thoughts down. Ive been thinking about you a lot lately.
Ill write you tonight.




M: Was talking to some guy I had never met before at the yucca inn and he said he had met an english girl and he said. "Yeah you really broke her heart" was strange hearing it from someone I had never met. Forgive me for using my words in reckless ways. I had no intention of ever hurting you. Only sharing violent passionate and beautiful moments with you. But maybe there is no way to avoid hurt in those moments. perhaps its inevitable if one chooses to go there. regardless I will be more careful with what I say from this point on. I wish all the best for you. On your travels and in your endeavors. Be safe and have fun.
Talk to you soon

L: There will be happy memories of this strange adventure of course,
but you need to understand the hurt doesn't lie with the memory of loving words, violent passion and amazing things we've shared, I hope you don't truly believe that pain inevitably follows.
Hurt came with the recent occasional cold words and actions, in walking away or lying next to me as if you didn't know me.
We are all complexed creatures, I think I have some understanding of whats going on with you and why, maybe more idea than you do, probably not, but I cannot comprehend how you can switch like that when you've said you care for someone as a friend or lover,
no matter what kinda social freak out you're having, you're too old and clever for that shit, as capable as I am of looking after myself, I really didn't appreciate being made to feel like you couldn't stand being anywhere near me two days after being naked with you.
I was wrong to say I had no expectation, I am an eternal optimist, a dreamer, permanently driven by the simple things that make me happy,
But trust me when I say my only expectation was to enjoy the short time are paths were crossed at full volume, with all the passion and affection I admittedly only feel for you at this time, also remember that I told you when we met I have lovers not boyfriends, a good balance of independence, freedom and coming together with someone you're deeply attracted to at any given opportunity, to share a pure kind of non possessive closeness that is often lost in a monogamous relationship.
When it works, it's amazing and in my opinion the purest kind of love, an inspiring situation for any creative soul. Tell me if I'm wrong, I think at times you agree and want the same too, but it takes two with the same driven desire to make it work properly and you're not in that place anymore, it seems your conscience and priorities lie elsewhere, I understand and accept that.
A few things you should remember about me, I rarely let words without true feeling pass my lips, that especially applies to sincerity in love, love and flippancy do not mix in my world, I treat others as I'd like to be treated. I am also as you know honest and wear my heart on my sleeve and occasionally talk to strangers in the dark about my broken bits....



L: Hey sweet, hope you made it back okay and that diaze helped make the long journey a little more painless?
It's torturous thinking what could have been these next few days, a sexy Winter solstice at The Stones, hot tubs, forest walks with white dog, red wine, red meat and seeing how long we could stay naked and awake for...then Christmas day 35,000 feet above the Earth, heavily medicated on love and pills, jetting away to our next adventures, perhaps too perfect an ending to a year already competing as probably the best of my life so far. A thousand good memories of you that will never leave me, Thursday especially meant the world, so thank you lover. All I ask is that you don't forget the words we whispered and love shared, mine has always been true.
All my heart

M: I am recovering from over 24 hours of drunkenness over the new year. Ouch.
I was stranded over night in houston on the way back. Then .... picked me up and we went pretty much straight away up to the family... It was a nice way to come down but not nearly so nice as your beautiful and poetic description of our country hideaway. My god that sounds sexy. Anyways there was lots of eating and sleeping. It was 10 below zero, and we're talking Fahrenheit, the night we arrived. Hibernation with the occasional smuggled e pill mixed in for variety (thank you very much).
Our last night was so nice. I won't forget the words or touches or experiences that we've had. I've meant it all. How is your journey going?
I think of you often and I hope wherever you are and whatever your doing that all is well and filled with inspiration. Lots of love, darling

She was feeling pretty apathetic

I think I am slowly turning into Jo from A Taste Of Honey.
Although to be fair, she had a whole lot more on her plate. I'm not pregnant with a random man's baby and I am not currently fighting any social taboos. That I'm aware of, anyway.
Is it strange to relate so strongly to someone with whom you really don't have a lot in common? I don't think so.

Oh to live in a time when a loft apartment cost you £30 a week, though....

Art versus The Real World

Writing this makes me feel so cliched....It's an age-old problem of art versus getting a 'proper' job which has never reached a solution. I have been on this planet for almost 30 years and yet I am still stumped as to whether there is a happy medium for being happy and modestly well-off. I dont think this exists. I don't believe in the middle classes.

I was raised in a well-to-do family- middle class bordering on upper I suppose. I had jobs from the age of 16. Spending my earnings on clothes and records mostly. I was proud - I felt self-sufficient and I sailed through academia. On the surface I was a model child in a model family. If only things had stayed that way...

I remember a friend of mine sending me an article a few years ago when I was in my first job since graduating. The title screamed something about mid-life crises hitting people in their mid-20s and not like in their 40s as before. Our lives now were bigger, better and faster than the yuppie generation of the 80s and hence we burnt out and crashed out much earlier than they did.

My friend was sent the article by his dad who was livid that he dropped out of law school to pursue a career in media. As for me, I was happily perched in what was my chosen career and so I read the article thinking of my friend but never once related it to myself.

2 and a half years later the unthinkable happened - being badly bullied at work and realising that I had spent all my time studying for a career which was money obsessed sent me into dark depression. The young city prodigy was earning more than her father now but was suicidal.

What happened next? I started a band. I pursued the teenage dream which I had try to ignore for so many years. I worked harder for this than I have for any exam I've ever sat in my life. I achieved success in a relatively short amount of time and reeled of all the idols I never thought I would meet in the space of a lifetime let alone in the space of a year...Everything was perfect...or so it seemed.

Then the frantic sleepless nights began...Worrying about money and bills 24 hours a day. As accumulation of debt began to build, my dreams began to tumble. At what cost was I pursuing this dream? Why did my dream not boost my reality?

I sit here after yet another sleepless night and counting down the hours before the next one begins. I've been looking for jobs - part-time menial work that won't even be worth my time or energy versus high-flying city jobs which will destroy all my time but will theoretically help pay me bills.

PLEASE.
SOMEONE.

Tell me there is a middle way. A way I can be happy and not have to keep thinking of escape routes out of my life....

I don't have you with me but I keep a good attitude.

Whenever I am asked who my favourite bands are, I always spout off the same familiar names. About five of them, actually. I have never been able to pick just one.
For some reason, though, I always seem to skip over one particular artist. I think it could be because he was such a staple in my life at a time when things couldn't have been any worse.
I know there are songs, albums even, that could sum up a moment in time for everyone. There has always been background noise suited to whatever is going on. May it be teenage melodrama like break ups or better times like birthday parties.
To be honest, there was another band at that time in my life that I could probably name as a bigger influence over all. That would be the easy answer, anyway. The group I had plastered all over my walls and could sob along to just because some dude in school didn't like me back. Like-like, of course.
This man in particular was sort of my safety net. It wasn't like my fondness of him was secret or anything, I just don't think people understood just how attached I was to his work. It wasn't a fangirl sort of thing by any means. I just got it, and most people had no idea I had any reason to know what "it" was. I wore a brave face a lot of the time. I don't know if I ever came close to reaching a point as low as this man eventually did, In fact, I think he sort of helped me from staying as far from that as possible.
I remember the day I read of him taking his life. That was the first time I had been so effected by someone I had never even met. In all honesty, I can never understand how someone is able to do this. It hit me so hard. At one point he was one of the only voices I could trust, and he took that away. I remember being really angry. Being young, I had that warped idea that if I had met him, maybe things could have been different. Maybe I could have turned the tables and been the one to make him see that it's not all bad in the world. It wasn't to be though.
It's been almost six years since that day. Admittedly, I don't listen to him as much as I used to. I got a bit older, things got better. That's not to say the music isn't still completely perfect. It doesn't bring me back to bad memories, but rather it is a reminder of how much he meant to me.
He might be kept in the back of my head these days, but I won't forget him.

"To vanish into oblivion is easy to do. And I try to be, but you know me. I come back when you want me to."

Girls are Bitches.

I knew there was a reason why I have more guy friends than girls

I was passing two girls who work on Chanel and this is a snippet of conversation I overheard:

"....Y'know She was so Ugly I couldn't look her in the face when she was talking to me." Girl 1

"Hahahaha" Girl 2 (Guffaws un-ladylike)

Who is so ugly they don't even deserve to be looked in the eye whilst in conversation? She made me sick thinking she was so superior, looks don't last forever. Being genuine and showing humility is a much more attractive quality than being artificial and trying to impress friends.

“True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be.” Ralph W. Sockman

x

Sex Without Grammar

I want you to be sitting there reading this wearing a dress, shortish so you can run a finger along your thigh, starting from your knee slowly up to the inside of your thigh, slowly tracing down to your lips now starting to glisten and then all the way back up. You imagining my lips softly kissing your lips, making my way up to your clit, gently being massaged by my tongue, your finger lingering on your clit slowly and discretely teasing yourself. With your other hand you run your fingers through your hair, down the back of your neck with your nails digging in slightly applying more pressure as you run your nail down over your chest, missing your nipples deliberately... while you are doing this I want you to picture that you sitting on my lap on a chair, lips and tongue still playing faster with your clit, your breathing speeding up. I pull your legs apart despite your resistance, you gently slip your finger inside you while you are sitting there imagining you are pushing yourself hard onto my cock, slowly enjoying every single inch of me inside you. you push two fingers inside you as you picture my hands grabbing you by the waist and pushing my self further and harder inside you, tongue still playing with your clit, your other hand up inside your t-shirt, slowly tracing your belly, running your nails across your stomach, up along the side and cupping your chest. tongue and lips faster on your clit. You are still grinding hard and faster on my cock, more lips where your fingers are kissing round your stomach, lips kissing up between your chest brushing against your nipples, my hands still pulling you by your hips harder onto me, you pushing harder and harder grinding on my cock, you can feel waves and waves of anticipation with lips and tongue tantalising and teasing your lips and clit, more lips are teasing your nipples chest making their way up to your neck. another hand then starts to pull your hair again and scratch down your arched back, the hand scratching down your back digs their nails into your buttocks, pulling your cheeks apart and with a wet finger ringing you while gently slipping a finger inside in time to you now really fucking my cock. your hands are now behind your head pulling my hair encouraging me to be rougher... i release your hips and pull your thighs even further apart trying to get impossibly deep. there are still lips and tongues enjoying you, speeding up and slowing down as the waves of pleasure swell and excite every inch of you. I now drag my hands up your thighs and grab your breasts, my nails digging into you scratching your nipples. you are now really fucking my hard cock, your thighs and cheeks banging against me moaning loader and loader, as the other set of hands grab your arse trying to keep up with your thrusts while sucking and licking your clit... you look down at her and grab her by the hair force her to lick my cock and your clit as you are fucking me. her nails digg harder into your arse, her finger sliding further in... you are now shouting for me to fuck you and i am holding you at your waist helping fuck you harder and harder... you can feel every inch you getting ready to explode, the girl comes up and bites your nipples, scratches your thighs. She trys to put her fingers in your mouth and to start with, you lick them hungrily. You dig one set of nails into me as we start to speed up again, fucking harder and faster, waves building up again quickly you are just on the edge of exploding when you grab the girls hands and get her to ring you then you grab her hair and force her to play with your clit again... you are getting closer and building up more and more as you moan louder and louder shouting fuck me quicker and quicker. You turn to look at me and kiss me hard on the mouth. You look me straight in the eyes just moan, louder and louder, your eyes flick back and lips wrap tight around my cock as you fuck it harder and harder, more waves quicker and quicker and quicker before you scream enjoying every thrust, every lick and scratch in one moment of release. We slow down and the girl traces her tongue up along your stomach, chest neck and onto your lips... you release my cock and push me down on the bed kissing down my chest and stomach. You teasing my cock with your lips and tongue. you get the girl to come over and position her clit on my tongue, running your hand over her back and then her hair pulling her head down towards my cock. as she pushes her self against my tongue you take my cock and play with it deliciously in your mouth, it's not long after all the fucking before i am twitching keen to cum. You slow down and stop, kiss the girl and push her off of me, sit me up and stare me straight in the eyes as you take my cock in your divine mouth and make me cum harder than i have ever cum before...

Freak Out.

That thunderous bassline walks, the white noise snare snaps, and silken vocals glide over possibly the most famous disco track ever created.
The song in question would be Donna Summer's I Feel Love.
I first heard this song as child, but it wouldnt be much later, until drunkenly dancing around a night club, that the 15 minute long synthesiser orgy that is the Patrick Cowley remix was blasted at me. The bass rumbled the floor, and the sounds move through your body like a virus, until you can't control your movement. Never had adding 12 minutes onto an already classic piece of music history proved so succesful. I'd like to see someone not get the urge to dance to this.
Patrick Cowley created an electronic marvel when he re-worked this song, from that single Moog Modular along with the voice of a Disco Siren songstress, it guaranteed this track to become a milestone in electronic music, on a par with Kraftwerk's Autobahn, as truly groundbreaking.
It is a gem that has been dusted off from the bottom of the DJ box, as every electronic club-night in London has been playing it, but for me, it never grows old.

She's Lost Control-England, what a Cuntry!

Network Rail is first into room 101, followed closely by our miserable fuckin excuses for a summer, or even proper winters, our joke of a substitute prime minister, the beaucracy applied to everything from busking to incarcerating real criminals, the social snobbery I see in London every fuckin day I force myself to pretend it's still my home.
Rupert Murdoch, Conde´Nast and Philip Green for capatalising on the talentless blow-up dolls and initiating them as gods of good looks to the congregation of potentially intelligent sheep that hand over their plastic pound to feel like their truly apart of this skin deep religion.

Ok these are small things and I am overlooking the blessings that come with being an English citizen, having a key to The Kingdom. Credit to the greater things, free health, education and social care, freedom of speech and our liberally advanced social laws.

But I also have some questions about the greater fuck-ups.
Why do so many people I know feel like they're being screwed every time they move, expensed by high taxes and the daily cost of living? Why are those lucky enough to have a job and earn a salary which would stretch twice as far in any other first world country, and keep a village in a third world country, still find themselves turning to banks for extended overdrafts and credit cards? And why have the banks given them to us and expected us to keep up with payments when we clearly didn't have any money in the first place?
Why do we continue to feign power over poorer countries for their natural resources and cheap labour when we are also now in a £2 Trillion debt?

The good things about Britain today are product of lessons learnt with recent World Wars.

"Look after our people and we'll have a powerful country worth fighting for in the future!"

Which begs the question if all it comes down to is humanity's neolithic age old struggle for money and control and thats not enough to motivate those peaceful and honest 21st century souls, then why should we play the game and more worryingly where do we evolve from here?


LS